Let me begin by saying, if I bash your team this week that doesn’t mean I wont uplift them next week. As true to real life, you can always redeem yourselves! Cheer up buttercup, don’t be so sensitive.
ARIZONA vs SAN FRAN
Arizona finally woke up, niners ninered. Shame on me for picking them to hold the points here. I’m convinced Chip Kelly really is the Anti Christ of the NFL. How’s that “master offensive system” working out over there for y’all in San Fran? Believe me yet? But, let me be positive since usually I’m just bashing teams. I’m happy Arizona started to play Arizona ball again. It’s week 5 and we’re finally getting to see the old Cardinals team. Lets just keep our fingers crossed that this wasn’t just a one week thing.
WAS vs BALT
Quick trivia for all of my readers who are into politics.. Who’s a bigger fraud than Hilary Clinton? Kirk Cousin, of course! Okay, I’ll stop. I’ll leave the kid alone. I mean I did call Washington with the win on this one though. Don’t get it twisted, I still hate the redskins and they’re still garbage but Baltimore can’t be trusted. I usually always bet against the Ravens. *pats self on the back* Don’t mind me, just acknowledging my underdog picking skills for big wins.
ATL vs DEN
Atlanta’s defense is like a new boyfriend the first few weeks of dating. It starts off really entertaining in the beginning but there’s something about them you just want to question. They usually can’t stick around long enough to finish it off. Sounds a bit like my current love life. I did pull ATL here as an underdog pick so I’ll take the win. And, they did end Denvers winning streak so I’ll give them a thumbs up for the week. I still want to see another week or two of good plays before I jump on this bandwagon and call myself a falcon believer. Who knows, maybe that ridiculous worlds largest bird statue they’re planning on unveiling is some sort of good juju.
BUFF vs LA
I continue to bet with the Bills each week but if you asked me why, I couldn’t tell you. They’re never a safe one and I always bite my nails until the 2 minute warning. Tyrod Taylor lined up in shotgun behind his own damn guard and still managed to pull out the win. Isn’t that some shit? Hey opposing teams, here’s a small secret.. if you shut down Gurley, Keenum will take care of the rest for you. He will lead his own team to a loss. You kind of don’t even HAVE to play defense. Just throwing that out there.
SAN DIEGO vs OAK
Screw this game and screw the Chargers. SD’s sorry asses manage to mess up my gambling winning streak every week. Of course we knew Oakland would win but Rivers always seems to sneak back in and keep the score closer than it’s supposed to be. It’s actually kind of creepy. The Chargers are that weirdo guy who keeps showing up unexpectedly and UNWANTED. Someone please remind me next week to take SD to hold points on the spread.
PHI vs DET
What does good D feel like? I wouldn’t know this week. Philly’s D was asleep half of this game. We knew this would get ugly judging by the first few plays. My boys were having trouble stopping the run game early. Wentz threw his first career interception but I can’t even blame him.
Dear receivers, you have ONE job. RECEIVE. I’m still trying to figure out how Agholor still has a fricking job. Matthews, why? Why must you torture me like this? Have I not been good to you? This is exactly why I didn’t want bye week for my team this early. All it did was throw off our good vibes. Speaking of bye week, since my fantasy defense is somewhere relaxing on a beach, I decided to go ahead and pick up my Eagles D for the week. I mean, they have been doing pretty damn good, why not? FAIL. A loss hurts, but a loss to a sorry team like Detroit makes it even harder to accept. Wait. Did you guys actually think I’d give MY team the award for garbage team of the week? Don’t flatter yourselves. That’s not going to happen.
CINCI vs DALLAS
I was wrong about Cinci this week. They did nothing at all for me. Congrats Bengals! Let’s pop some bottles because YOU are my garbage team of the week. For the majority of the game, you managed to put up a whole lot of NO points. You made the Cowgirls sorry ass defense look superb. Let’s not even touch on YOUR defense. I’ll spare you the heartbreak and let you miss my wrath because I somewhat still like you.
Anyway, Dallas completely dominated this game. As hard as it is for me, I’ll give credit where credit is due. Dak is amazing. I’ll keep riding this rookie QB! (get your mind out of the gutter) Romo does not deserve his job back. I say that with the up most respect… wait, no I don’t. I don’t respect Romo, we all know that. Dak has earned this position, Dallas is his team now. Romo is due back week 8 just in time to face off my Eagles. I do hope they let him attempt this game though. Dak is a bit intimidating, Romo is a joke. Let’s allow Jerry to be Jerry and make a screwed up, season ending decision.
MINN vs HOU
This next line hurts me to even type. Bradford may be the real deal for Minnesota. There, I said it. We all know my hate for Bradford so that took every ounce of my dignity. How about this Vikings team though?! Wow. These guys are even scary warming up. I was watching the pre game nervous as hell and it wasn’t even MY team facing them.
My condolences went out to the Houston fans next to me at the bar before the game even started. I took a moment to sit in silence with them. As we watched that secondary stretch and get prepped, I saw the fear in the girls eyes next to me wearing the Watt jersey. There was no hope for the Texans entering this one. They took an ugly loss today but Texans fans can’t be TOO mad, it was the Vikings after all! Okay, I’m being super over dramatic. Houston, your team blows. You’re fricking awful. I try to take your side every week but it’s really hard. Maybe next week.