It’s only week 1 so let’s not over think our teams just YET… (Unless you’re a Texans fan)
PHILLY vs WASHed
Wentz is going to give me a stroke before halftime of week 2, I’m sure of it. But, holy sh–. Thought I was drunk already… Did Agholor actually catch?! In fact, he was the only one catching! That rehab we put him in last season must be paying off. On to the devastating news, the only CB we had is now broken. If any other team would like to donate us a corner, we would appreciate it. Did any of y’all catch all 47 of the passes Cousins overthrew? Well, neither did the Redskins receivers. *evil grin*
PITTS vs CLEVELAND
Speaking of drunk… I wonder if Cleveland fans thought they were drunk the entire first half? I thought the score was 77-7. Someone forgot to tell the Steelers this isn’t a pre season game. No way could this play off caliber team be tied with the worst team in the NFL. Cleveland has 14 starting QBs and I can’t even name 1. Let’s talk LeVeon Bell. Perhaps the worst game of his career? Against CLEVELAND? Thatta boy! Way to show the big guys you deserve that extra cash! Rock on with your 32 yards boo!
ATL vs CHICAGO
Atlanta… my current life status… same thing… a disappointment. It’s hard to repeat a SB style loss when you never really kept the lead here. Way to screw my point spread Falcons. Bears played their asses off… How that’s possible for a shit team still confuses me, but I salute you Chicago. And here I was laughing at you for giving up 27 picks for Trubisky.
DETROIT vs ARIZONA
Someone want to wake the Cardinals up? They’ve been asleep since 2015. 3 interceptions for Palmer? I mean, I suppose it’s better than the 18 combined the Texans produced. I’m disappointed. I’m starting to worry abt Bruce Bruce over there.
NYG vs DALLAS
I’d love to update you here but I fell into a drunk coma around 6pm and slept through this entire game. But. Judging by the score, I’m pretty sure I can guess how it went. I’ll just leave it at this… Way to go Eli. *side eye*
In a close race between Pittsburgh, ATL, and the NYG… I’m excited to introduce YOUR GARBAGE TEAM OF THE WEEK….. Houston Texans!
TEXANS vs JAX
Well. What did we learn about the Texans? 7-9. Jacksonville lit that ass UP. Hate to say I told y’all so. There is nothing I can possibly say to comfort any Houston fan right now. You guys sucked. You sucked SO bad that you made Bortles actually complete a pass. Yes, re read that previous line. BORTLES COMPLETED PASSES. I thought someone roofied my drink when I went to the restroom. But it was just OBrien being OBrien.